Thursday, November 22, 2012

Gobble Gobble Gobble-Turkey Turds of 2012

Ah Thanksgiving.  That time of year to which we celebrate by eating too much turkey at company dinners, at home and abroad.  I have kinda lost my fondness for turkey as I get older, our output boss Susan asked me how the Hy Vee catered turkey tasted and I told her it was okay, but the mushrooms and peppers in the turkey was awesome.

Which brings us to another year of Turds of 2012 and once again the turkey isn't as much as actual albums themselves, the problem usually is the crappy digipacks that CDs seem to be more and more of the thing rather than jewel cases.  I think moreorless that The Turds of 2012 pretty much are the American Music Awards to which you get no talent hacks like Nicki Minaj (Or if you been following me all year Nicki No Talent) or Keisha (she hasn't earned the dollar sign for me to give it to her).  Keisha's porn act on the AMA's Sunday, showing her fingering herself on stage and revealing a camel toe is the reason why music is in the shitter and is in need of a septic service to come pump it out.  If we want to see that, we'll go to Dancer's or Woody's. 

In this day and age anything new or heard on the radio is a turd, complete with processed beats and autotuner and it isn't going to get any better anytime soon, Cumulus radio will seek to that.  Cumulus anything is a Top Turd in my book, KDAT, KRNA, KHA(c)K, The Fox you get the picture and radio isn't much better in big cities. Going left of the dial here.  There are certain DJ's that qualify as Turkey Turds of the year, particularly the Backtracks legend in his own mind dude.  But this is supposed to be what's the least of the year in music rather than overrated personalites and crappy owned Cumulus Robot Radio.

The Madison bargain hunt may as well been known as picking up Classic Turkeys of the past with Eagles, Long Road Out Of Eden, to which I have yet to play the second CD or The Monkees' atrocious Pool It! or Gomer (whoever they are) Rock and Roll Always Forgets.  No wonder a pack of wild turkeys was following me all the way back from Mad City that night. Even Joy Lynn White 1997 The Lucky Ones was gobble gobble gobble but sometimes that happens in life, what looks good for a buck may sound like a turd when you play it once and then donate it back to whoever can stand listening to it.

For 2012, I was very careful not to overspend on Turds of 2012 but there was a few and there's a album that had a right idea but wrong concept or tried to be everything to everybody and ended up being neither.  I may catch hell from some of the faithful but since we made it difficult for the trolls to post here we can speak our minds and defend it.  Anonymous readers you really can't.   It would be EZ to put Nicki No Talent's crappy assed album at number 1 and smirk our way to the bank but since I didn't buy it, nor intend to, she won't have to worry about having the Turd of 2012.  Justin Bieber and One Direction gets a pass as well, they're pop and boy bands for the younger generation and I'm some old fuck yelling that people to get off my lawn.  The ones I bought weren't total turds, just disappointments or a failed attempt to be popular.  However some might enjoy them better than I did but for these ears, they ended up being Turds of 2012.

Love And Theft (RCA)  Consider this to be the Turd of the year although Angel Eyes is a good country single.  World Wide Open showed promise but somewhere along the way Disney dropped them, they lost a member and became a duo and then signed with Sony Nashville to make a country about Girls Like To Shake It and Girls Look Hot In Trucks although the former was goober fun, the latter was total country sellout.  Plus they had too many ballads in a row for me to really care anymore about them.  They are a step up from Luke Bryan or Colt Ford though.

ZZ Top-La Futura (Def America)  This was supposed to be a return to down and greasy Texas boogie days before Gimmee All Your Lovin and Legs turn them into classic rock stars and Rick Rubin was going to be the savior.  I do admit it sounds like the early ZZ Top daze but the problem was none of the songs stood out for me, it sounded like the same old song repeated over and over.  The best tracks were the bonus tracks that you could get at Best Buy.  The record tanked even though most of the reviews were favorable.  Plus it recorded way too loud and the usually reliable Joe Hardy gets blamed for that.  Nevertheless classic rock and modern rock radio ignored it too.  Plus it was in one of those lousy digipacks that you couldn't get out of the damn pack since they stuck it in the middle of the crapcase.  A wasted time for everybody.

BLOC PARTY-Four (Vice)  Pitchfork got it right calling this boring.  The last song on the album was the best, everything else was either a uninspired Nirvana or Pavement ripoff.

JOE WALSH-Analog Man (Fantasy)  Another hyped up album, this time getting Jeff Lynne to produce it to make it sound it was recorded back in 1992 rather than 2012 and another crappy assed digipack format to boot.  I love Joe Walsh's early stuff, his James Gang stuff and even some of the Eagles stuff but the last good album he did was 1988 Got Any Gum?  Lotta people seem to like this better than that album and Ordinary Average Guy or Songs For A Dying Planet, neither one I bought or heard.  Alas the best songs were on the deluxe edition, would have loved to hear his jam with Little Richard over Funk 50.

The Main-Pioneer (Action Theory)  Black And White struck a chord with me, especially after the passing of one my best friends last year and it remains a close to heart album even though it was new modern rock and radio didn't play it much, so I decided to chance it on their last album Pioneer which came out two days before the new year and therefore wasn't eligible for the Turds of 2011. The Maine comes from Tempe Arizona home of the beloved Gin Blossoms and respected Jimmy Eat World to which The Maine is more of the latter than the former.  Guess you can call this the new Emo since it sounds like Jimmy Eat World but with more Emo.  Should have been less.

THE WHY? STORE-VIN (Rocket Science)  Chris Shaffer made two damn good albums for Way Cool/MCA in the 1990s.  This time out he goes for the hippie dippy and fails.

after this comes the disappointments although the albums have their moments.

Aerosmith-Music From Another Dimension (Columbia)  Not a turd but more of a turd in marketing and trying to be everything to everybody like my post of So It Goes Aerosmith was talking about.  If you don't include Honkin On Bobo, it's their best since Pump, better than Get A Grip but I think Steven Tyler's American Idol residency made this more of a pop album than all balls out effort.  I'm also sure that it was Steven that decided that Carrie Underwood needed to be the female counterpoint rather than somebody with a more rocking sense, would have been a great time to tap a unknown or up and comer like Samantha Fish to duet.  I'm sure it was Tyler's idea to tack on a crappy Diane Warren ballad to boot as well although the Desmond Child penned Another Last Goodbye works in a strange way.   Perhaps he should have saved those songs for his solo album to which he's too scared to put out on his own judging by the failures of his singles that came out that nobody bought, or heard.  Whatever the case this may have been their final goodbye for Columbia and Sony Music.  But I like the cover art though.

Joe Cocker-Hard Knocks (429/Savoy)  Everybody loves Joe Cocker but Matt Sereltic was poor choice of producer and he stuck Joe with some subpar ballads but Cocker can still sing and still scream with the best of them when he puts his heart and soul to it.

Ministry Relapse (ATM) I actually like Gouldiggers, and his new term of a drug called Croak on the beginning of Freefall shows he has a wicked sense of humor but the video for Ghouldiggers is so awful that Mark Prindle disowned the whole album, basically if you see the videos you'll know the reason why this CD made the Turkey's of 2012.  Modern rock radio doesn't play Ministry anyway, they're not Cumulus approved, but have you looked at Al Jorgensen lately?  You'd be running away screaming too, the perfect definition of a creepy old man.

Finally the crappy digipacks that the Beach Boys Reissues came in, the crappy digipacks that house the Dave Matthews Band album and Led Zeppelin and Neil Young 2 CD sets. If you going to simulate an album, then put it out on regular album rather than give us these cheaply made digipacks that scratch the CD up.  This is why a lotta people quit buying music.  Shitty Packaging will do that.

Happy Thanksgiving. Gobble Gobble Gobble.

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