NOTE: this was supposed to be on The Townedgers Music Emporium site but since it's late in the night, I guess we'll leave it here.
By the way Holger Czukay passed away. He was 79 and was bass player for Can https://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/can-co-founder-holger-czukay-dead-at-79-w501368
I'm going where the sun keeps shining
Through the pouring rain
Going where the weather suits my clothes
Banking off the northeast wind
Sailing on a summer breeze
Skipping over the ocean like a stone
Everybody's Talking-Fred Neil
Parlor City Blues Jam 9/5/17
With
Tony Brown-Lead Vocals and guitar
Gibby-Keyboards
Mark Awad-Bass
Me-drums
Songs
Drums in the barn yard
I'm gonna leave you baby
The stage fright crept in tonight. And I couldn't concentrate on providing the beat, trying to figure out the first song and finally Gibby clapping out the beat for me to follow through. I'm sure Tony Brown put on a brave face through the roughshod performance that I gave him but at least Mark Awad provided some bass riffing so that I maintain the beat. Plenty of great drummers down there, Scott Sanborn, our FOX 28 night time anchor is also a very damn good drummer on his own and he helped Big Mo and Tommy Bruner on Low Spark Of The High Heal Boys and You Can't Always Get What You Want. Tim Wiley in the usually Wiley Kat form split after he got done. And he wonders why I want nothing to do with him on the Wiley Kats.
The next song we did was better but since George Hanna didn't get to play drums I forgo my last song just to let him join up and finish the jam. Handshakes all around, thanking everybody for letting me play along with them, I then hit the Hy Vee for getting some toilet paper and seen recently inducted Iowa Rock Hall Of Famer Craig Erickson and I bailed on him. I couldn't even talk to him. I'm retreating away from the stage again and just about everybody that isn't on stage. When I got home, Ryan Paul told me that he's back hosting the Checkers' Acoustic Jam with Julie. And I told him I'm going to the Kernels game first and then perhaps show up later but didn't think I was going to take the guitar with me.
I don't know if I want to do this anymore. Fighting myself to play guitar or even drums. I was surprised I kept myself interested in practicing on drums this afternoon. I have been ultra critical on myself the past few days. The problem of having a overactive mind. And then the return of the stage fright and the fear of not being good enough. I think it blindsided me into oblivion this time.
Is it easy to walk away from it all, to say I had a good run but there's really nothing left in the tank? I was beginning to slide back into my shell even on Friday Night with The Mad Dogs's gig. I was there to help Mike out with his broken finger and support Julie's band, but once the music is over what's is there left to do but to pack up and go home. So I give her a hug and wish her well and see her at the next show. Or when Dreams Of Arcadia goes playing somewhere.
This afternoon, I took a walk down at the new Grant Wood Trail Park in Marion. It's not open to the public yet but the benches are out and the walking trail is paved so I went there for two hours. walking around the small pond, watching the frogs jump into the pond and seeing monarchs fly around the flowers, wasn't much for dragonflies, it was too windy and too cloudy and bit on the cool side. Fall is coming but I don't mind the wind all that much. And I let my mind wander. And I remember things of long ago and far away. It's strange how I can't remember any of my grade school friends before Russ, but I can tell you my first girlfriends. Donna Hess, in Kindergarten and first grade in Waterloo, Tonya took over before we moved to Nevada, then it was Michelle. Leah in Webster City and Cindy Kirth when we moved to Cedar Rapids. Cheryl Barker was the main one in Marion grades 4-6, I was going to be the high school QB superstar, she was going to be the cheer leader and promised to be together forever, bullshit like that. Once I quit football in 7th grade, she quit me. She wouldn't have never tolerated me playing drums anyway.
And regrets. There are many. Perhaps I should have asked Janice Berns out on a date when she was chasing me back my Junior year in high school. Would she stayed with me if I played in bands? It's hard telling, And then, the girl in my Public Relations class that had a crush on me and seen me at Kitty's and smiled at me. And the memory burns in my mind forever, as I couldn't gather the courage to go say hi. And then watching her walk away, tears in her eyes perplexed why I never went up to her. I was hoping to explain myself the next time I saw her in school. Hoping to correct that mistake.....
......they say everything happens for a reason. And that someday somebody better will come along and make your life wonderful. I'm still waiting. I think there's times that I wish I can give up being the Townedger, the singer songwriter of depressing love gone wrong songs, the crazy drummer who thinks he's the second coming of Keith Moon The girl in the PR class? I never saw her again and would love to relive this life and at least go and talk to her when I had the chance and not so much hiding behind a invisible wall. But then again I don't think anybody could subject their life to be part of mine. I'll give Nicole this, she gave her best to make it work. But I'm destined to die alone, but leaving behind a collection of stories of all the emotions that I went through in terms of finding love, the good, the bad and the ugly. And it spilled out in the albums that I made, Especially Logic And Lies.
And there was I, sitting in the park all alone and watching the sunset fade. It's been a up and down year, the highs I can tell you about and the lows as well but they mean nothing to you. Going to a movie and holding hands with somebody, well that was one bright moment. When Martin Daniels asked me of the best moments of this year, I told him that. I told him "I would love more of that"...while becoming silent and getting misty eyed.
The need to belong.
And I wonder how the girl in the PR class is doing nowadays. I'm sure she don't give me a second thought nor third.
I was surprised I made it to Parlor City tonight in this depressive state. While there were great musicians around, Dan Johnson, Jon Wilson, Mark Awad, Scott Sanborn, I quietly sat in the booth taking notes and trying to keep the beat tapping on the table with my drumsticks. I was surprised I didn't get paired with Big Mo or Tommy but rather Tony Brown and Mark Awad. Tony's songs are a bit more obscured than the ones I usually play but he's real cool cat. And of course Mark can play a very funky bass too. I don't think it was one of my better efforts though.
And I don't know. I'm sure Julie and Ryan would love for me to join them at Checker's but I am just not feeling it and it's baseball playoffs time. But I told Ryan if time allows I'll stop in for a bit. And then there's the Longbranch Jam and Whittier this weekend and Jeff Overly has said he was coming up Friday. And practice with The Egads Sunday. But I don't know. I feel defeated, in terms of music and of life. Perhaps a good night's sleep might help and things will be better tomorrow.
But I do feel like walking away from it all once again.
