I think I was born under a bad sign.
It has been a crappy month, had to pay in taxes to live in this great fucking state of Iowa. Used to be that I didn't till Marion acted a 4 percent tax levy (it's worse in Springville 5 Percent which is why i keep a Marion address) and paid 33 bucks for the honor of dealing with harsh winters, tornados, earwigs and fucking water in the basement if we get 4 inches of rain or more.
I can't seem to do right at work. They yell at me if I am not doing work, they yell at me if I do work and put it up there for the seniors to bundle it. Seems like I'm at a rock and a hard place. Just can't win at work. And then I go home and have to deal with Mother Nature sending her stupid animals out there to commit suicide under my car wheels. Amazing how I missed Mr Bunny, he gets to live another day to fuck some more and create more rabbits. Mr. Squirrel wasn't so lucky. And then there's the damn red lights that I continue to hit at the dammed Marion Bypass.
At work we have shit printers and even worse crap towers that the paper comes off the pin hole feeders. Of course our seniors didn't bother to come over so perhaps I had some revenge of dropping my work off before 11, didn't intend to. It's frustrating to try to work the paper through the towers and watching the damn thing pull the paper off the penfeeds. And then it jams in the cutter. And I'm wishing that I can just win the lottery so I can retire from my job and stay home and the hell off the highways so I don't have to deal with traffic and stoplights that turn red if they see a Gray Corsica coming their way.
It's not much better at home. Springville Cable is the worst fucking cable outfit that i have ever seen or had the misfortune to be with. We get fucked every time the Cubs play on TBS and this sunday was no exception. Instead of watching a 12-2 Cub victory, we had Headline News. TBS had 22 games last season and over half of them got replaced by Headline news or a blank screen. And of course my GF had to chip in and said she got to watch it on her cable. Springville Cable fucking sucks did I mention? Then trying to watch a movie on TCM and Springville Cable decides to do their fucking EAS test to which you get a blue screen and the damn warning signal and when it's done you missed the movie plot. They do it at around 1:30 AM when I am watching tv. Mediacom might be a piece of shit cable company but at least they don't fuck with your signal when it comes to baseball or testing their emergency signal when your watching something.
The net is worse with only Dialup from the unreliable MSN network and half the time I'm fighting that too. There is high speed internet....from Springville Cable of course so we're screwed out here regardless.
Depression is a way of life for me I guess, perhaps I got Demertia or Torrette's since I fly off the handle everytime something pisses me off. Life is too short to be pissed off but what does it mean that when I try to look at the positives of this life, something goes wrong and I go on a cussing spree. Saturday Morning, had to strip down the bed to clean the sheets due to a little accident. Half of bottle of diarrea pills stopped that. But still had to clean the damn sheets regardless. At work it feels like I don't accomplish anything, we got all these temp help and we are not busy so I'm regulated to do odds and ends. It's funny how I have remained at my job for 20 plus years but feel like I'm second rate. That it seems like I'm a fallguy or somebody's punchline to a joke. Or people just staring at me, waiting for the boiling point to go over and I go on a cussing attack and rip paper or slam doors like a damn 7 year old. Should know better but gawd it feels like I'm being punished from a previous life and feel like that I'm the work buffoon. And it's never the case in point. I do feel i'm a good worker but it seems I'm being savagated by fate. And I don't like it one fucking bit.
My GF, God bless her, does her best to get me out of this bad mood. She always wants to hear me rant and rave about my bad day at work, or the fucked up lights, or my shortcomings and inability to handle it all. Problem remains that I always tend to fight myself more than the bad things that do happen and taking things personally. Yes that's not supposed to be the way it should be, but everything gets to me. I really wish I can stay at home or moved back into town and ride a bike to work although that's not possible but wish I could have a job that would let me stay at home and not deal with stressful shit that makes me wanna throw my 32 oz Pepsi at some clown who cuts me off or passes me at a 100 miles an hour. And there are days I would like nothing more to close my eyes forever and move on to the next life since I feel I have done all I can with this life but I know my GF would object strongly to that one. I think she's the only positive thing that is in my life. Without her, I'm sure I would be even more hard to live with, hard to work and so on.
It seems that every year we go through cycles, the good cycles and the bad and it seems like I'm in the latter. I hate this state, I hate this time of year when it rains every fucking weekend and I'm cussing out the heavens while drying out the basement for the 40th time. I'd love to move out to Kingman or some AZ town and have my own music store but nobody buys cds and albums anymore so that would be a failure waiting to happen.
So here I remain. Praying that we don't get a wet spring and hoping for better things to come. Or have a more stronger drug to get me through this bullshit.
