This is not music releted so for you music heads you can pass on this.
Last night while on an all nighter of fans and papers and trying to
keep water out of the basement, I got a email from somebody that i used
to know that used to be the one that I love. It's amazing how you don't
keep touch, people fade away, move on and you can bottle your
emotions. When they come back to write about those days gone by, it
does bring back emotions I didn't felt. So I spent half the night
cussing out the rain and weather and half the night crying.
Funny it's been a while since I've done that.
So I'm thinking here while reading her note about the times past and
now she's did let me on things I somewhat knew. Yes, I knew she was
married, I kinda figured that from some of her earlier mailings. And
she's a proud mom of a new baby girl to which I bet she got her mom's
looks. Which leads to my thoughts on the subject of love and
realtionship.
I have 5000 Cds. Which means I'm very good at finding CDs. When it comes to love/marriage/etc. I stink.
I am 47 years old, and never been married and never came close to
being engaged to somebody, though I did give one a promise ring before
that went south. I have never had a relationship go past three weeks
except one time. I always thought that when I found somebody it would
be forever. I never went to our prom, couldn't find nobody, nobody
wanted to go with me.
All through my life, i had asked and got rejected more times than
not. Sure I broke a few hearts in high school, and yeah they came back
to haunt me years later when i hooked with a old high school flame
twice. It didn't work out.
If it wasn't for the internet I'd be classified a virgin.
Then I met the one that I used to know and I went out to there and
she came out to here. When she came out here that was the last time I
was truly happy. Then a third and final meeting up in rainy Oregon and
we went seperate directions but still managed to keep in touch.
I still miss her, always will.
Sometimes things don't always work out. I can imagine nobody wanting
to come move out here to Iowa, it sucks in the wintertime and even
worse in the springtime. Those beautiful harvest moon nights in
September are few and far between and you have to go through nine months
of crappy weather and humidity and tornados and thunderstorms to get to
those fall evenings. It ain't for everybody, so's California. Iowa is
hell, it sucks but it is my home and place of employment. Certainly I
would have loved to jump at the chance to move out to be with her had I
had enough money saved up and had some kind of gainful employment that
wouldn't make me go starving in the streets. Too many people do that on
the net, they fall in love with a image but when you get to meet that
person and see what they are like, it takes more than two three days,
months, to get to know that person. I have faults, I'm not perfect, far
from it. I have a CD buying habit that has gradurated from vinyl
buying and from 45 buying. And for 45 years I have lived in the finer
music stores in the tri state area. But look at it this way, it's
better than cheating on someone you love. Better than doing drugs or
booze. As I told her back then, let me save up at least ten thousand
dollars and see what happens.
As I said before I'm not good with relationships, E Harmony can't do
beans for me. I have not dated since 2001. My last GF ended up
overdosing in 2004 and since then I have been very reclusive and don't
care if I ever find anybody again. Thirty years of rejections will do
that to you. I don't want to bring children into a world of idiot
presidents, high oil prices and gangs all over the country. And
besides, I can't afford to have any. It's too late for me, by the time
they gradurate, I'll be 70. Kinda hard to play football with your sons
when your back goes out.
I don't have much to offer should anybody want to take the chance. I
am my own worst enemy, I'm set in my ways and though the mind is
willing but body isn't. If anything I am frugal, I'd be even more if I
wasn't buying music.
What I do offer is being faithful for that person, even when they
moved on. Though my heart is stone after years of indifference and
rejection, I still have a soft spot for the special one. I'm not rich,
but that doesn't mean that we can't go out on the town if need be but
when you're pushing fifty, the bars and performing venues are made for
the younger generation.
I fight depression on a regular basis, get mad at bad news when I
read the internet and have a bad temper but never take it out on anybody
that i know or love. I still think that I'm a good person, even
thouth Ruth Mund told me when I was daycaresitting when i was 18 that I
was a bad influence on kids and shouldn't have any of my own. Well, she
can sleep at night better knowing that won't happen. The only vice
that I do have is that I do tend to buy out the cd stores.
And it so it goes. I live life the only way that I can, and strange
to say I do the same things that I did when I was 7 or 17 and will do so
till i turn 50 and after that the record stores will have to fend for
themselves.
I may not be around by then but I did the best that I could in this life.
And
to the one that I used to know that used to know me best...you'll
always be a part of my heart and I'll always love you. I'm not sure why
certain people pop in and out of this life at odd times but I'll always
leave the light on should they want to come over and talk about the
good times.
And they really were pretty good times.
I just can't change the present nowadays. We are not the same
anymore and life has dealth you and I a different set of life
happenings.
Anything is possible, the pieces just have to fit in the right spot
at that time. For when it's gone and the chances have disappeared, you
cannot get that chance back.
And I know that all too well.
DIGGY KAT comment:
beautifully put, heartbreakingly relatable. it is odd how certain
special ones have a habit of falling out of touch then arising again in
the oddest times. i know how that goes. it's a rollercoaster of
emoti..( love ya Crabb
Love ya too Diggy!
